Gung Hey Fat Choy

to our oriental friends here and oversees.

OK.. I'm a bit late..

Anyhoo... Funny the things you remember eh?
We had a big, square biscuit tin when I was a nipper. It was pink with 2 dragons chasing the fiery pearl. I was fascinated with it.

 Long before I studied Wing Chun and the spicy delights of the Chan family takeaway menu... the only thing I knew of China at age 8 was the Water Margin on TV (which was really Japanese) and this biscuit tin with it's amazing design of scaly dragons and intricate patterns.
I remember thinking one day as I fished around for the last Jammy Dodger..
'I wonder if China smells of biscuits?''

All in the past, right?

12 Years A Slave

A deep and ponderous re-telling of a true story of kidnap, slavery, racism, inhuman brutality and the misery of the human condition. Not the typical Hollywood outpouring of wise-cracking characters and unnecessarily loud bangs, it delves into the hopelessness of life on the plantations in the deep Southern states of America.

Brilliantly acted and directed, 12 Years A Slave well deserves the accolades and positive critique laid upon it, BUT... have we actually learned anything from it?

What does it say about a country that only past a black civil rights bill approx 50 years ago? That educates its citizens on how Mr Lincoln freed the slaves; how the racist South should be forever held in shameful regard for their single-handed perpetration of the dehumanisation of millions of black slaves and their descendants; and how important lessons have been learned and human rights put into statute, so that never again should the beast in human nature rise to dominate another.

... a bit like how America settled its account with 100 million dead Indians..

The Boarding School System

Forced Sterilisations

Forced Assimilation

Enforced Poverty

Institutionalised Racism

State Sponsored Forced Adoption

...... and on it goes....

The Way of Cha

Largely translated from ancient Chinese texts, for centuries buried in the banks of the Huangpu tributary of the Chang Jiang River, unwittingly discovered in 1867 by the Duchess of Gladstone's favourite Pekingese searching for a secluded place to bury the remains of the housemaid, the art of tea preparation should not only, through years of painstaking practical study, become a way of transcending the infinite in such a way as to not cause the slightest ripple in the celestial fabric of the mystical Vale of Heaven, and teach the student the indefatigable Laws of Being, by which all things material and non-material must obey, lest the universal be hurled into a spiralling abyss of darkening unrealities 

- but, should also create within the household, an aura of lightness and harmony that emanates from the teapot to the practitioner, nourishing his banjo and stiffening the resolve of his djabula beads, thus easing the transition from compliant disciple to master of the Omnipotent Pot.
So think on when you next chuck a teabag in your cracked mug, ... ignorant bastards..

DEFINITION OF THE DAY

Celebrity:The lust for acceptance of the unacceptable

What is it about US politicians' hair?

Just what is going on with bigwigs' hair these days?
I mean... it's immense!

The 'austeriy' (read: poverty) that is imposed on the majority of us appears to have the opposite effect on our great leaders' turf;  the more we suffer the thicker, more luxuriant it grows.

Take John Kerry here - Massachusetts Senator and unashamed Grand Bouffant-silverado; currently going rug to rugski with the Russian Hare (see what I did there?) in a delicate series of quiff-offs over their use of banned hairspray propellants in Ukraine.

John Kerry illustrating the depth of his senatorial thatch.

Putin has his shirt-off-fishing-for-capitalist-subversives-while-holding-his-horse-in-a-judo-headlock action-type-macho photos to prove his manhood - US politicians have massive hair - MASSIVE HAAAIIIIRRRRRRRR !

So how does one attain such a huge rug? It can't possibly be natural! The fact that it stands proud of the scalp by a matter of inches suggest it's lineage is more Axminster than Westminster (yes, I know that's not American but, it's my blog!)

Hair so large that it has to be lowered on a huge A-frame, while the recipient squats beneath it like a medieval knight attempting docking procedure with his great war helm, and like the talking hat in the Harry Potter books, has to be firmly seated on the wearer's noggin before it can impart it's follicle wisdom to our undeserving ear.

As with everything politicians do, you just know they've been told to look that way, don't you! You just know a spotty little gonk has designed a template out of hardboard, like a huge presidential shape-sorter that Kerry et al have to pass their heads through in order to comply with the exact dimensions as prescribed by the voting citizens of America.

I know of the existence of such a device as it was employed against a friend of a friend, who was barred from entering a night club, and whose hair, after having been scanned into a portable US patented 'RugoTronic' device, was deemed to be too implausibly wide for admission, and also in contravention of a number of articles under United Nations legislation.

The flames of controversy surrounding the refusal of Washington Redskins to change their insulting team name to something a little less homicidally gloating are, once again, fanned by comment from the team owner, Daniel Snyder, in which he claims the term redskin represents honour, pride and respect - despite the view of the enlightened world to the contrary.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines the term as a racial slur - insulting to Native Americans.

Ironically, under the term Daniel Snyder, the OED simply says '***t'.

Yes ok! this was back in Sept 2014 but the issue is ongoing and we need this dealt with once and for all..

Thank yooooo!

VAX - Vacuums that suck

Let me just vent my spleen over the latest home purchase in the Geordie cave - a Vax vacuum.
Sold somewhat aggressively by eager beaver reps positioned in ambush formation upstairs in PcWorld (or pissyWorld as I prefer - more on (moron) that at a later date.

Ok, it wasn't as expensive as the shiny new Dyson thingy but, I was confidently reassured by the salesbody that all aspects of domestic vacuumery would be amply catered for with the new, sparkly Vax model.

Not so..... The external dust filter/cap flies off across the room, behaving like a clown car falling to bits upon ignition. It also periodically switches off, which appears to be a result of overheating. This is ironic somewhat, as it can't possibly be working up a sweat through over-exertion in the sucking department.Imagine, if you will, the latest Hollywood bagbuster movie Vacuum Club - 'What happens on the carpet stays on the carpet' 

**artistic paraphrasing was employed in the preceding statement**


Wish I'd bought the Dyson..

The vile murder of pilot Moaz al-Kasasbeh and other atrocities must surely spell the end of international efforts to piss around with Saudi Arabia, which sponsors terrorism from it's gleaming palaces safe in the knowledge it has our leaders by their greedy, complicit balls

Nicky Morgan, the Education Secretary, is drawing up proposals to reform the teaching of English in state schools so that every child masters the essential skills of reading, writing in an effort to promote the 'three R's'.

Presumably this is the wisdom behind the increasing inability of BBC reporters and announcers to pronounce their R's, and subverting our beautiful mother-tongue with 'Secatwee of the Enviwoment' and 'wowwying twends'

I'm not mocking folk with genuine speech impediment, which is neither a cause for embarrassment or shame; but rather the wilful oozing of deliberate mispronunciations into our language via supposed pillars of the establishment in the media, as if it is in any way progressive and correct.

Ignorance comes in many forms and creeps amongst us disguised as authority waiting to pounce on our trusting minds.